just not today

I'm a firm believer in true love. I do believe that there is someone out there for me that someday will walk into my life and make me see why it never worked out with anyone else. there's a man out there for me, with whom I will celebrate countless anniversaries, valentine's day, and birthdays. there's a man out there with whom I will share an unbreakable bond, held together by the deep desire of love.

but not today. I don't want someone I "won't able to imagine my life without". I don't want someone to "have my whole heart". I don't want someone to be "my whole world". I don't want somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself. I want to understand myself better than ayone else can. I don't want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn't ready to.

for those who know me, you know that when I fall, I fall fast and I fall hard. I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I simply love the idea of being in love. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have some type of interest in a guy. I have gotten hurt a few times, but I always pick myself up and try to move on. I'm starting to realize now that that's the last thing I want in my future relationship. especially as a young woman in my early 20s. before I enter into any serious relationship, I need to feel like I'm complete, and I need to be able to feel complete while completely alone.

I have dreams. I have plans that only involve myself. I'm at a pivotal point in my life, I get decide where I go from here. I can travel and make stupid spontaneous decisions, just because I can. I don't want to find my true love yet. I'm not ready to settle, and I'm not ready to alter my personal plans for someone else. the only thing I'm ready is making new and beautiful memories with the people I'll meet along the way. but  I'm simply not ready to fall in love again. does this make me selfish? no, I don't think so.

some people marry their high school sweethearts, some of my friend have done so or plan on doing so (and that was my plan too). and I love them for that. there is nothing wrong with already finding the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with at a young age. you can still live a complete life with a boyfriend/girlfriend by your side at age 21. but I know myself enough to know that I'm not at the point in my life where I can do that.

many of you may read this and you'll think that I have the idea of love. believe what you wish, but neither of these assumptions is true. like I said before, I can't wait for the day I find my true love. I can't wait to be able to look a guy in the eyes, say "I love you", and know what it means "I love you forever". I can't wait for a guy to love me, challenge me and support me emotionally every day for the rest of my life. that day will come, but I haven't lived enough yet.

I'm 21. I have too many stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the guy who gives love a whole new meaning for me.

that day will come. just not today.

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love

love. it's the most beautiful emotion a human being can convey but it's the most difficult to understand, especially for our generation. we generally have difficult time expressing how we truly feel about one another, and it's because we simply don't understand how to do so.

we base the strength of our relationship on how many times we chat our bae and measure how much we love each other with the amount of our post in path or instagram. sometimes these captions on social media are cute and endearing, but for the most part, they are just a hollow gesture. not everyone expresses love in the same way, but we need to remember that love is not something that can be reduced to a few swipes on a touch screen. love is not fairy tales filled with unrealistic expectations, and don't always end with a "happily ever after".

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sit and think

sit and think why you are here, where you have come from and where you are going. ask yourself a question that scare and excite you.

am I happy?
do I love myself?
if I could choose anywhere to live, where would it be?
do I love the people I gave my time?
do they love me?

I hate my job and the thought is depressing me. what am I going to change this?

I am in a relationship that no longer serves me, grows me or makes me happy. why am I still in a relationship?

I want to be in a relationship with the person I love, so what am I going to do to makes this happen?

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tragedi angkot TA

jadi ceritanya sore ini aku naik angkot menuju sebuah tempat yang jaraknya lumayan jauh dari rumahku. aku perlu ganti angkot dua kali untuk mencapai tempat tersebut. kejadian ini kujumpai pas aku udah ganti angkot yang penumpangnya mulai dari aku sendirian sampek terus bertambah. waktu masih ada kita-kira empat orang, seorang ibu yang sedang menggendong bayi naik bersama dengan anak gadisnya -yang sedang menangis tersedu-sedu- berusia sekitar 4 tahun. anak kecil itu seperti memprotes entah apa sehingga tangisannya pun semakin keras. mungkin ibunya merasa tidak sabar dan gemes tangisan anaknya makin menjadi-jadi, kemudian dipukullah kepala anaknya dengan cukup keras sehingga membuat penumpang lainnya (termasuk aku) kaget bukan main. bu, plis lah ya kalo emang anaknya nakal atau gimana jangan sampe pukul kepala lah, mending cubit pahanya aja deh, bu. nah si anak juga nangisnya makin kenceng antara kesakitan dan nahan malu karna diliatin semua orang. kemudian karna aku males ngeliat adegan selanjutnya, takut makin gak tega, akhirnya aku mengalihkan pandanganku dari mereka.

beberapa menit kemudian waktu lagi asik-asiknya dengerin lagu, segerombolan penumpang datang dan membuatku noleh lagi ke anak kecil ini. jeng jeng ternyata dia duduk sendirian di belakang pak sopir, dan kemanakah ibunya? ibunya duduk di bangku depan samping pak kusir........ eh pak sopir ding. gela gela gela, marah sama anak sih oke bu tapi ya jangan ditinggalin juga keles. tuh anak masih 4 tahun, kayaknya juga belum bisa cebok sendiri, malah ditinggal duduk di belakang bersama dengan banyak orang lain yang gak dikenali anak itu. kan kesian adeknya......

jadi pelajaran yang bisa diambil adalah, jadilah ibu yang baik dan bijaksana.

nah kok singkat banget, yon? iya udah mager ngetik. maafkan hehehe

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ketika cinta tak bersuara

malam itu bulan bersinar terang
dan manusia berbondong-bondong berkeliling menikmatinya
sepasang manusia yang saling mencinta berjalan berdua
dalam diam
tapi aura kasih yang begitu besar terasa
sungguh kuat terasa
memenuhi tiap ronga-rongga udara
cinta mereka begitu indah
hingga aku ingin menitikkan air mata

*****

bapak itu datang dengan tergopoh-gopoh memasuki standku. diantara keriuhan pembeli meminta nomor dan model sandal yang kadang membuatku cukup pusing dan tidak sabar, perhatianku tertuju pada seorang bapak tadi. usianya mungkin sekitar 60 tahunan. perawakannya cukup kecil dan mungkin tingginya nyaris sama denganku. dia memilih dengan cukup teliti sampai menelisik tiap detail sandal seharga 65 ribu rupiah itu. aku sadar ada sesuatu yang berbeda dengan bapak itu. aku menghampirinya dan menanyakan apakah ada yang bisa aku bantu, ternyata bapak itu adalah seorang penyandang disabilitas, beliau tuna wicara. tanpa ada kesulitan aku bisa memahami apa yang dimaksudkan oleh beliau, meskipun tanpa suara, karena mbak pah, mbak-mbak yang setrika di rumahku juga seorang tuna wicara. bapak itu meminta sandal ukuran 37, tapi ukuran yang dicarinya itu tidak ada karena ukuran terkecil sandal pria adalah 38. dan aku meninggalkan bapak itu sejenak, memberikannya waktu untuk menimbang-nimbang pilihannyanya, selain itu juga karena aku harus melayani pembeli yang lain. tak berapa lama muncullah sang istri dari bapak tersebut. mereka tampak berbicara tanpa suara, dan beberapa saat kemudian aku baru menyadari bahwa mereka adalah sepasang suami istri yang sama-sama tunawicara. lihatlah, mereka saja yang tidak sesempurna kita bisa saling memahami dan mencintai sebegitu hebatnya. bisakah kita, paling tidak menyamai mereka?

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nek misale iso mbalik.......

jadi, begini ceritanya. kami tidak sengaja online dan standby deket hp secara berbarengan dengan jangka waktu yang cukup lama. didasari pada rasa rindu akan satu sama lain kami mulai mengoceh berbagai hal. mulai dari hal bodoh sampai hal serius. dan diawali dengan satu kalimat "nek misale iso mbalik......." kegalaupun dimulai.

nek misale iso mbalik.......
berbagai pemikiran dan perandaian yang sebenernya agak percuma diucapkan tapi ya sudah lah biarin aja. jadi setelah segala perandaian yang sudah kami ucapkan -dan gak perlu dishare di sini hehe- terangkum, intinya adalah nek misale iso mbalik kami mau mbalik ke jaman kelas 11. seriously, itu adalah masa-masa keemasan kami dimana segala hal terasa mudah dan hidup terasa indah.

tapi salah mengambil keputusan membuat kami akhirnya.... yaaa.... jadi kaya gini. namun apapun yang sudah terjadi, dan keterlanjuran itu tak dapat diubah atau dikembalikan, life must go on. so do your best, give your best, God will take the rest.

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