just not today

I'm a firm believer in true love. I do believe that there is someone out there for me that someday will walk into my life and make me see why it never worked out with anyone else. there's a man out there for me, with whom I will celebrate countless anniversaries, valentine's day, and birthdays. there's a man out there with whom I will share an unbreakable bond, held together by the deep desire of love.

but not today. I don't want someone I "won't able to imagine my life without". I don't want someone to "have my whole heart". I don't want someone to be "my whole world". I don't want somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself. I want to understand myself better than ayone else can. I don't want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn't ready to.

for those who know me, you know that when I fall, I fall fast and I fall hard. I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I simply love the idea of being in love. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have some type of interest in a guy. I have gotten hurt a few times, but I always pick myself up and try to move on. I'm starting to realize now that that's the last thing I want in my future relationship. especially as a young woman in my early 20s. before I enter into any serious relationship, I need to feel like I'm complete, and I need to be able to feel complete while completely alone.

I have dreams. I have plans that only involve myself. I'm at a pivotal point in my life, I get decide where I go from here. I can travel and make stupid spontaneous decisions, just because I can. I don't want to find my true love yet. I'm not ready to settle, and I'm not ready to alter my personal plans for someone else. the only thing I'm ready is making new and beautiful memories with the people I'll meet along the way. but  I'm simply not ready to fall in love again. does this make me selfish? no, I don't think so.

some people marry their high school sweethearts, some of my friend have done so or plan on doing so (and that was my plan too). and I love them for that. there is nothing wrong with already finding the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with at a young age. you can still live a complete life with a boyfriend/girlfriend by your side at age 21. but I know myself enough to know that I'm not at the point in my life where I can do that.

many of you may read this and you'll think that I have the idea of love. believe what you wish, but neither of these assumptions is true. like I said before, I can't wait for the day I find my true love. I can't wait to be able to look a guy in the eyes, say "I love you", and know what it means "I love you forever". I can't wait for a guy to love me, challenge me and support me emotionally every day for the rest of my life. that day will come, but I haven't lived enough yet.

I'm 21. I have too many stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the guy who gives love a whole new meaning for me.

that day will come. just not today.